What?!

As my final Youtube blog has arrived at long last, I feel the need to leave whoever it is that reads these things with something substantial and significant. So instead of trying to impart some sort of knowledge or teach some sort of moral lesson, I will simply tell you about the Youtube video that has had the biggest influence on my life, with the exception of, perhaps, only Bro Rape. The video that I speak of was created by The Whitest Kids U' Know, and is quoted very frequently by my friends and me. It is entitled Abe Lincoln, and it tells the true story about what happened at the Ford Theater on that fateful night.

The video opens with a contemporary version of "Hamlet" that is filled with bloodthirsty vampires being performed on stage. Othello soon falls prey to a vampire, causing Hamlet to pledge to "Rid this castle of the vampire scourge that has taken this fair city." However, while Hamlet's back is turned, Othello, now a vampire, gets up and creeps closer to Hamlet. Not to let the brave protagonist get bitten, good old Abraham Lincoln speaks up from his balcony seat. "Oh, no. Hamlet turn around. He turned into a vampire! He's gonna bite you! Oh shit! Hamlet! I can't watch this. Hey everybody, I can't watch this." John Wilkes Booth, seated on the lower level near the stage, takes offense to the president's ruining "Hamlet."

From the following argument between President Lincoln and Booth, my friends and I have derived many useful and fun phrases to use in everyday conversation. Here they are:

• Which one of y'all dead mother fuckers said that shit?
• Was it you string bean? Ya skinny ass lookin mother fucker?
• Turn around and say it again!
• Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. Now you fucked up. You have fucked up now.
• Ya fat ass piece of shit. Ya tub of lard lookin mother fucker.
• I don't know why you lookin up here at me bitch. Play's on stage.
• Listen to the woman John. Calm down, just calm down.

All of these phrases were uttered by the late President Lincoln. And, after all of that, John Wilkes Booth just snapped and decided that the only course of action was for him to beat the president to death with a hammer. In the butt. If you can believe the wild story put forth by the Whitest Kids U' Know, Lincoln was actually hammered in the butt so much, that he died from being hammered in the butt. Apparently, historians decided that the truth was too embarrassing, so they made up a cover story to protect our young nation. Whether or not this is an accurate account of the events that unfolded that night, it is a very entertaining video that I would recommend just as highly as any.

Most people probably don't think of C-SPAN as being a very funny television program, since it's known mostly for its discussions concerning public and political goings on. However, during the segment of the show where they take calls from viewers, things can get very funny indeed. This is because, for some reason, certain people feel an urge to call in and make completely inappropriate comments on national television. Usually, these comments refer to some part of the human anatomy, and they almost always involve cursing, and things like that always make for a great laugh.

It just so happens that someone out there has been kind enough to take the best and funniest of these calls and compile them into one Youtube video that's about eight minutes long. I first heard about this video a few years ago from a friend of mine who is like a goldmine of good Youtube videos. Good videos, mind you. Not great ones. However, I think this is one of his best finds to date. Probably due to the fact that these lines are not scripted and it's really funny to see a guest on C-SPAN get incredibly embarrassed when a caller reveals that they have been wondering what the guest, possibly pictured above, looks like naked. Just kidding, that's not him, but it's the only picture of someone on C-SPAN that I could find.

Another inevitable outcome of these prank phone calls that adds to the hilarity of the whole incident is the C-SPAN people getting real pissed off. Apparently one of the requirements to be an anchor on C-SPAN is a complete lack of a sense of humor. The anchors almost always try to make a smart comment insinuating how immature the prank caller is, desperate not to let him get away unscathed. However, they usually don't do too good of a job. The callers frequently cause the anchors to appear rattled and confused, making an unbiased outsider wonder how they ever got a job anchoring a news program.

My personal favorite prank caller has only one dream in life: to say fuck on tv. Once he calls in, he asks, "Am I on the air?" "Yes," says the anchor. Then he says, "Fuck," and hangs up. I think that particular comment stands out in its simplicity. The caller doesn't try to do too much, he just goes for a classic move that is sure to cause havoc by unleashing one of the most taboo words in the English language. The exceedingly clever anchor only makes it better by pausing to think of a particularly witty response before coming out with a weak "thanks." However, there are many other classics in this clip, including the guy who is in deep debt and needs to get a "penile implant," and the guy doesn't think that the war with the robots is such a good idea. I'm not going to tell you that this is one of the greatest Youtube videos of all time, but if you have a few minutes to burn, it wouldn't hurt to check it out.

Tourette's Guy? More Like Tourette's Lie.

All of the Youtube videos that I have talked about so far have been ones of which I am personally a big fan. However, today I will depart from this pattern. There is one video that has been hyped by my friends that did not come close to delivering the expected laughs when I actually got to see it. That video is Tourette's Guy.

A few of my friends claim that the video is so good that belief in Tourette's Guy, pictured at left, has become one of the basic tenets of their religion. I don't see why that would ever happen. The videos on Youtube that I find to be funny are ones in which the characters are either acting funny or being funny. That is to say, it's clear whether they are being themselves or just putting on a show. For instance, in Unforgivable, Hodge Stansson is obviously putting on a show. This fact shines through when he and/or the cameraman interrupts the filming because they're laughing too hard. On the other end of the spectrum, Corey Worthington is all too plainly being himself. If anyone tried to act that obnoxious and arrogant, I don't think it would be funny at all. But since it comes so naturally to him it is quite amusing.

This is where I have a problem with Tourette's Guy. During my first viewing, I thought this was a man who legitimately had Tourette's Syndrome. It isn't too rare of an occurrance for a person to dismiss it as a possibility, and for most of the video there is no evidence to suggest that Tourette's guy is, indeed, acting. I was convinced that he honestly was suffering from Tourette's.
However, at the end of the video, he slips up. He laughed at himself for the first time. It was then that I started getting mad. How could he fool me like that? I trusted and believed in him, only to learn that he was a big, fat fake. Just like Santa Claus.

At first, I was pissed off. I didn't know what to think. Deep down, I still wanted to believe that was really how Tourett's Guy was, and he wasn't just acting. However, everyone I talked to about it said that they knew he didn't really have Tourette's the whole time. Apparently I was the only one who fell for it. I was so angry that I held a grudge against Tourette's guy for a long time for fooling me. In fact, I held a grudge until writing this blog forced me to take one more look at him.

As it turns out, I wasn't really mad at Tourette's Guy. I was mad at myself for being fooled. Watching the video knowing that he was just an actor made it a hell of a lot funnier. Maybe because it brings a huge moral issue into play by having him pretend to suffer from a condition that many other people are truly forced to live with on a daily basis. Maybe I was just able to accept it for its face value and not try to read into it too deeply. Whatever the case, Tourette's Guy has found a place in my collection of favorite Youtube videos, though it's not quite yet on the level where I'm thinking of incorporating it into my religion.

What Comes Before Part B?

Seeing as though we're all college students, I would think it's a safe assumption to conclude that all of us have been to a party. A few of these might have even been especially big and wild, with fifty or even one hundred people attending. However, unless you count Franklin Street, I doubt any of us have ever been to a party as big and wild as the one in this Youtube video featuring Australian teen Corey Worthington, or Corey Delaney, depending on which source you want to believe.

After his parents went out of town, he decided to have a house party with some of his "mates," and things got just a little out of hand. Before long, 500 people showed up and proceeded to trash his neighborhood as well as police cars that arrived on the scene. In the end, Corey ended up being faced with a $20,000 fine to cover the damages caused by his party.

All of this commotion led to Corey's fifteen minutes of fame as he was later interviewed on a news channel about his party, which is where the actual video comes from. I think I need to set the stage a bit before I describe this verbal exchange. Corey is wearing oversized yellow glasses, a bright multi-colored baseball cap, and unbuttoned camouflage jacket showing his nipple ring, and he has shaggy, bleached blond hair: exactly as pictured above. The anchorwoman, who seems very offended about Corey's lack of remorse, repeatedly questions him about his thought process leading up to the party. When this doesn't satisfy her, she insists that Corey take off his sunglasses and apologize to everyone who he wronged. He refuses to take off his glasses, claiming that they are famous. Why, you might ask? Well, all of us soon learn the answer because the anchorwoman asks that very question. "Because everyone likes them," he explains.

Desperate to score some sort of moral point against this unruly teen, the anchorwoman asks Corey what he would say to other kids who are thinking of having a party while their parents are away. His response? "Get me to do it for you. Best party so far, that's what everybody's been saying." However, she just can't let it go. Before ending the interview, she suggests to Corey that he should go and take a good, hard look at himself. Not to be put down by this woman even once, Corey reveals that he already has."I have," he says. "Everyone has. They love it."